I was going to write about some big ideas yesterday or the day before, but got distracted and demotivated. Now I wrote this instead.
These days, I'm having to face myself. I haven't been doing the best in the sense that I'm not living up to my own standards. I'm not producing much for the amount of energy that I spend, and I haven't really been trying. I have my paints, I have my books, I have empty pages, I have people around me and through the internet, oh and I have the internet. So I've spent my time reading inane, pop-interest articles, web-comics, and watching Youtube videos--and also playing TF2, and similar mind-numbing fun.
In this time I haven't gotten a job, or made any noticeable intellectual progress in my reading, writing or artistic production. Maybe just a few baby steps is all. This leads to my feeling like an ineffectual, savings-spending parasite of society. I'm kind of just hanging on--and not even for dear life, either. But having some savings to dig out of, the only pressure I feel to change is from the people who care about me, who believe I can do good things and want me to succeed--or in the least that I have the duty to do so.
My first reaction is just to wait it out, wait for an opportunity to come and jump on that train when it gets here. (Only I don't know if I'm at the right station for a train that can get me there before long, if that makes sense.) On second thought, though, I can't let myself feel good from not doing anything. This past weekend a pastor at Park Street Church reminded me that self-gratifying behavior and the pursuit of easy happiness (which, he didn't note, also points to the impression of cheap grace) is not the healthiest way for a Christian to live. We need to live for God's purpose and we will be duly rewarded in His time--even if that means only when we get to Heaven. And even that sounds shady to me, because it sounds like people are still egotistically looking for the best reward they can get. But I digress. My point is that rewards, including feeling good about myself or just plain feeling good or content, need to come from good things--good effort, a job well done, and working to the right purpose, and so forth.
It confuses me (not in an entirely conscious way, I suppose) when I don't do my best or don't work hard but still get good things. In an immediate sense, I do have good things, but in another, broader sense I can see how others have it better.
Hard work always pays off, and I can demonstrate that by looking at a few resumes. Besides my actual studies at Houghton, the one things I've put a significant amount of time toward has been the SGA. While I definitely developed skills and connections through that, it helps me most in the mark it puts on my resume: it shows I'm involved and have been singled out in some way by my peers to act as a leader on their behalf. It says something, but not everything. Other things I've put time into in the past year have been Halo (2, 3, ODST, Reach, mapbuilding), riding my bike up a steep hill, and making passable meals. These are life skills, in a way, and I suppose the latter two are fruitful to my well-being. They're time investments.
A friend of mine has multiple blogs that he reads constantly, for information and entertainment, plays more games than I do, and writes way more than I do. This is good for him, because he is pursuing a career in the realm of writing. He spends time on imgur and other general interest sites, too. But he manages to do so in a way that he profits from it. Sifting through mounds upon mounds of information, gimmicks, and entertainment daily, he still manages to produce. During this past year, he wrote/drew for, edited and published a weekly comic magazine at our college, passed his classes--which also involved reading and writing components--, wrote occasional articles for the student newspaper and kept up a blog or two while he was at it. The funny thing is, he doesn't have a full job for the summer either, and spends lots of time in a basement with his thoughts and video games. Ok, it's not funny, he's in a similar boat that I am. But I feel like he has more to show for it.
I've been thinking about the alternative ways that people get along in this new day and age. Somehow, people manage to make a living with webcomics, blogs and YouTube. I'm not considering that myself, really. It'd take too much to have the renown and rapport to make a living from it. Incidentally I have the same opinion of art, although I constantly repress it. To me, it's just a hobby, a highly valued one (just not financially so).
Still, what I'm beginning to realize is all I need right now is a desire to keep going. Actually, to get going. And to fuel that, I have a vague sense of self-efficacy--left over from what I have achieved, despite how I've failed to do so of late--and I have the respect and support of my loved ones. The way I see it, that oughta be enough to get my life going here. Oh, all that and the hope Paul talks about in 2 Cor. 3:12. Yeah, that's important, too.
[Post-weekend reflection: Matt. 6:25ff especially v. 26, 30, 31. I have spoken/written as a "man of little faith" and was wrong in doing so. God has spoken to me this weekend, and I know that he has definite plans for my life, whether I ever fully understand them or not. That is not up to me--I have only to trust in Him, and seek Him; to do the opposite of what seems natural--to give up my life that I might keep it; to find joy by carrying my cross with Jesus.]
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