My housemate recently brought his atheism, in a sense, out of the closet--well, out of the shadows, really. There was plenty there to relate with--a struggle with faith and doubt, the reality and relevance of the church and common practice. And I, too, have grappled with it, neglected it, and let it worry at and guilt me.
I've felt that distance from God--when you know you've drifted and pushed him away just enough so that you don't let him convict you anymore. When you've cushioned yourself in sin and determination; I know that deciding to outright deny God is an effective way to rid oneself of guilt, responsibility and doubt that comes from living in between.
This is when people like to cite Revelation. "Don't be lukewarm..." and all that. "Yeah," they'll say, "if you're not gonna live it up, I guess you're aloud to straight up give it up." And I suppose there could be a point in that. You might as well line up your mentality with your behavior, your learned instinct.
By thus turning, you do feel invigorated: you're no longer swimming against the current. (Figure 1) http://dresdencodak.com/wp-content/gallery/stickman/2007-07-16-whistl_in_the_wind.jpg
One point Gareth brought up that I've been slowly learning, too, is that atheism does not beg amorality. This is a personal struggle of mine, in that I'd say, "Man, if I weren't a Christian--if I didn't have this upbringing and this standard for myself--I'd so be living it up. Like at some secular school, drinking, sleeping around, doing whatever the . . ." yeah not really. That's only reflective of a person looking for trouble, or excitement or what have you.
Living in a generally Christian community most of my life, I've developed this "Us and Them" kind of thing. You can tell someone is one of "them" because they don't follow our rules; ergo if you don't follow the rules you're one of them--and so on.
But I'm beginning to understand how it's not about the rules--it never has been. I'm trying to take all I've learned in fact and idea, and apply it to actuality. People talk about a relationship with God, with Christ, and through him, that fills you up, that heals you, that gives you company, a hope and a future. Some like to dichotomize Religion/osity and Christianity/-following, etc. And I'm digressing into Christian in-fighting, and that's not the point.
I've become accustomed to a slightly deterministic outlook--if something happens/ed, it was meant to be, even if you don't get why (God knows it, who cares if you get it). If it makes you sad, that's fine; it's part of becoming a better person: dealing with pain--mayhaps a result of sin (yours or humanity's). People change, of their own volition, of God's. He shows us things or he doesn't. Things just are the way they are and who are we to think that we matter, in the scheme of humanity or history or existence. You could be wrong or right in the way you think or understand something, but it doesn't matter--someone else could be wrong or right, but it doesn't matter either.
What is knowledge but material for debate and discussion? What is fact but an idea that can be skewed by the way you portray it? Chad Anderson used to always say, "Nothing happens in a vacuum," in English or Bible class, alike. Everyone has a context that they can argue from, and it postmodernity teaches us that you can choose to acknowledge that or not. A thought might mean something more to me in how I understand it from my experience; I like to deconstruct and pick out the differences in thought. I see it this way, but from a 17th century scholar's perspective, this language implies this, and modern psychology shows us that the scholar was actually referring to pent up desires, not inherent truth, etcetera, etcetera, ad infinity.
On the other hand, I've recently learned that my background and upbringing leads me to be more relationally oriented. I don't have a geographical point or social ideology or theology that I can particularly adhere to or call my own. What I've learned is that I can use others' and toy with them--pick them out, organize them on the table top and make connections, give it a person's name and move on to the next problem set. I've anchored my life in relationships, and even then it's tough because they keep moving, and changing.
Once again I digress. I suppose my point is, from a Third Culture perspective, God makes more sense from a relational perspective, and I don't expect other people to agree--you can't say that it's not true to me, either. I can't associate God with a right way of doing things, because no one does things the same way, which would alienate everyone from that way. Are we meant to build from/on what we have in common?
I'll pick on love, and see where it takes me (because it's what I can cling to). Going back, what I can see is that atheists can demonstrate (have, show) what we call "Christian love". There will be pragmatists who say there's not such thing as an unselfish love, or an unerotic love--that it all has tones of one or the other. When I choose not to question God's love, I see it as first, in reference to which all other loves are constructed--all other relationships. If I take a humanist perspective, deity is constructed from all human relationships--idealized from the best in each, to create a hope that we need to plod on. What can I do when a person chooses one or the other? All I've learned how is to love them, and know that God has a discreet plan for them either way. No matter what I do, it is not my will toward a person that will change or affect them at all. Love has power, but I'm not trying to use it thus. I'm just trying to get by as best I can.
What that means, practically, though, is that I don't always remember the best way to live. I don't always love or show love. Ask any of the guys I've lived with, or anyone I've dated. I can be sharp, snappy, rispid, malicious, cruel, unfeeling. Yet, deep down, what I want and need is to love. My problem is that I still love myself the most--and, yes, I see that as a problem in myself. I know that I live best when I live for others. Out of self love, you might say, I need to love others more.
How does God play into that love? For one, he's stronger than my conscience. Further, it is only through his love that I can love myself, which is more than I deserve. We, Him and I, know how bad I am and can be. It hurts the most when I try to keep things that way, and pretend they're not. I only become stronger when I accept that I am not strong, but I can gain strength through Him. With love, I don't see it as such a clear cut, deliberate process, but I do believe there's a connection.
God's love can be something to compare myself to, but I believe that at times, it is in me, and it may flow out to others. This is when I'm the best I can be. This is what I hope for most.
I have a faith in Christ, the Father's love and provision. I have a hope for what he promised us, but the greatest of these is His love, which is all that I can live for.
